Fighting on vacation is an unfortunate reality of travel.
some of my best friends from college during our “senior week” trip to Cape Cod, right before graduation in May 2015. Brittney, Cassidy, and Rachael. Taken by Lauren!
Too many hours in the car, the stress of a new place, and the exhaustion of jet lag are all things that can make even the best of friends start actively hating each other.
I’ve been in situations over the years where I needed to take a step back. My sister and I went on a Grand Tour of Europe together and I swear to God I wanted her dead because of how loudly she breathes while sleeping. Another time I had a terrible migraine on this bus ride with a random baby that wouldn’t stop crying, so I kept fantasizing about just stoping the bus and leaving it with a nice couple at a gas station.
Both terrible, terrible, intrusive thoughts.
So how do you work past these instead of always arguing on vacation?
You have to address the triggers and make a conscious choice to be zen.
Quick tip to avoid fighting on vacation: you can’t control others’ behavior, but you can control your own.
My friends Elizabeth, Char, Meagan, Mary, and me on an orientation trip for our study abroad program to a Mozzarella farm in Campania, Italy in January 2014.
People are cranky when they are tired. This is a given. Advice like “make sure to get a good night’s sleep!” is trite. Sometimes that’s impossible.
What is possible, however, it not setting yourself up to fail. Do hostels make you restless because of squeaky beds, thin mattresses, and inconsiderate roommates who turn the lights on at three am? Don’t stay there! Ask your traveling partners if you can book a private room, at least every couple of nights.
Can you never get to sleep on long-haul flights? Then don’t try to hit the ground running on your first day and pretend like you’re well-rested. Take it slow. Pace yourself.
Does your partner snore or just breath freakishly heavy when they sleep (like my sister)? Always bring some ear plugs, just in case or have a soothing sounds playlist queued up on your phone.
You can’t always guarantee you’ll sleep well, but you can still create a relaxing environment for yourself.
Quick tip to avoid fighting on vacation: avoid “one night stands” and stay in each location for at least two nights to ensure better sleep.
Nik, Emily, Jessica, Mike, Rebecca, Maggie, and myself in Florence, Italy. April 2014.
Let’s be real: I get hangry even when I’m not traveling. It’s realllly hard to handle even minor inconveniences when you’re starving, so don’t let yourself get to this point!
Sometimes you have to skip lunch so you can see everything you wanted in a city or the local cuisine doesn’t sit well with you. Still no reason to be a brat! Always, always, always, have an apple and snack bar in your purse. If you’re going on a shorter trip (like less than a month) bring five or ten RXBars (or the like) with you to nibble on until you can sit down for or cook a meal.
My literal other half, Siobhan, and I at Marble House in Newport, Rhode Island May 2017. Luckily we both love historic houses.
If your boyfriend wants to stop for a coffee one more time, you might have to end the relationship. Your best friend has no interest in shopping in Paris? She’s the worst!
Traveling teaches us that we don’t have as much in common with our loved ones as we might think we do. Your mom might be a foodie and want extravagant sit down meals three times a day, while you would rather just eat a sandwich while running between monuments and museums.
It can be really frustrating to feel like you are “wasting time” on a trip you’ve been really excited for. To avoid fighting on vacation because of this, you can try a “quid pro quo” approach in which each person in the group gets to pick one activity each day OR you can occasionally split up. Which brings us to…
Quick tip to avoid fighting on vacation: occasionally suck it up and do what the other people in your group want to do, even if it means missing out on something you wanted.
Too Much Time Together
Me, my sister Kerry, and my mom Debbie at Magnolia Market in Waco, Texas. We spend a looooot of time together 🙂 March 2017.
This seems to be a bigger obstacle for couples or friends traveling pairs to overcome. After a few days of just one person, you might be desperate to interact with a human being who isn’t them or just really want some alone time.
So take the day off!
Your best friend can spend the evening at the theater while you people watch in a coffee shop. You can check out that sale while your boyfriend sleeps in. These mini solo adventures are the perfect way to recharge, so that the time spent together is enjoyable and not tense.
Quick tip to avoid fighting on vacation: communicate beforehand to find out what the rest of your group absolutely doesn’t want to do, so there’s time to schedule concurrent activities.
My sister Kerry and her husband Chris taking the time to destress in the Dead Sea. November 2017.
When you miss your bus, mess up your hotel reservations, or get lost, it’s so, so easy to start blaming the rest of your group or start lashing out because you are scared or stressed. Stressful things will happen when you travel. Things will definitly go wrong. That’s still no excuse for fighting on vacation. This is where mindfulness comes in.
You have to actively decide not to be angry. Not to respond to your boyfriend’s, or sister’s, or best friend’t goading. Let them be angry! Let them lash out! Choose to be calm.
If you are having a hard time staying calm in a tense or scary travel situation, I find it helpful just not to respond at all. Sometimes I even separate myself from the group. I don’t mean that in a “huff off and pout” sort of way, I mean it in a, “Hey, I’m going to go sit on that bench for a minute so I can think of a game plan” sort of way.
Arguing on vacation can also be avoided through preventative communication.
Quick tip to avoid fighting on vacation: assign group members with tasks according to their strengths before the trip, like navigating, driving, translating, negotiating, etc. This way, in a time of crisis, there’s no fighting over who needs to take the lead.
Mindfulness and communication are key to a great trip. If you find yourself getting a little heated, quickly work to address the trigger. Am I hungry? Tired? Bored? Then you can work to fix it.
Remember: talk to your group about interests, budgets, and accommodations BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
You can avoid like 75% of potential fights if all group members are upfront about their expectations; however, if things aren’t going well, if your traveling companions are excessively irritable or unwilling to compromise, just remember: take a deep breath, get through this trip, and then choose not to travel with them again.
Looking for Camino de Santiago advice for women? You’re in the right place! My pal Reagan did the entire 780 kilometer (nearly 500 miles!) trek and lived to tell the tale. Here’s how she did it:
Why did you choose to do the Camino?
I’d heard about the Camino when I was younger, from the movie called The Way that stars Martin Sheen. So I was always interested in walking it one day, but honestly thought that I would do it when I was retired in my 60s. But, as luck would have it, it was at that point in senior year where I was trying to get a job and was being rejected from every place I applied to.
One of my college friends Julia (who also went to Mount Holyoke) said she was going to walk the Camino and I asked to join because I literally thought “Why not?! What else am I going to do this summer since I’m unemployed.”
But in all seriousness, I felt that I needed time to contemplate what I was going to do after college. I’d just spent 20 years of my life in school, so finally being able to do nothing but walk for 5 weeks seemed like a good way to come to terms with adulthood.
Why did you want to do walk the entire Camino, instead of just a portion?
I honestly wish I had done portions of it instead after the injuries and bedbugs, but Julia and I had a plan that we wanted to stick to based on a guidebook by John Brierley and felt that completing it would be a real accomplishment for us both.
We also both thought that since it’s so expensive to fly to Europe, it’s a lot easier to take the five weeks and do it all in one go rather than in segments. In hindsight, I probably should have planned for more rest days and extra travel but the 32 days it took us was just enough time.
Quick Camino de Santiago advice for women: Make sure to budget rest days into your schedule!
Which town was your favorite to stop in?
There were so many, it’s hard to choose. After a while, they all started to blur. But I’ll say this:
Best party town: Leon and/or Pamplona
Best Cathedral: Burgos
Best “bum-f-middle-of-nowhere” town: Tardajos (because it had the best Albergue!)
Best “Provincial Town” or Most Quaint: Villafranca del Bierzo
Best Town Story: Santo Domingo de la Calzada,
The story goes, “there was this family of German pilgrims walking the Camino in the middle ages, mother, father and son; they stopped at a bar and the bar owners daughter fell in love with the son but the son did not reciprocate so she got mad and put a silver chalice in his bag and then accused him of theft. So they hung the son.
The mother and father continued on to Santiago and on their way back to pay respects at their son’s grave, they found him still alive hanging. The son told them to get the bar owner to cut him down. So they went to the bar owner and told him that their son was alive.
The bar man replied, “Your son’s as dead as these hens I’m eating” and then the hens came alive. So the church in Santo Domingo keeps live hens and roosters in the monastery and in the cathedral itself. They were approved to do so by the Pope.”
Moral of the story that I took away was not to mess with women. That Barmaid caused all of this cause a boy didn’t reciprocate. Her name should be up somewhere, not a chicken.
Your least favorite town?
There were two I think, one was Najera where there wasn’t much to do and not the best albergues. The other was this albergue a little outside of Triacastela that sounded good on paper (vegan/vegetarian dinner, hammocks, all ecological) but honestly, it was the worst just because it was where I got really bad bedbugs. There wasn’t much in the town either.
Quick Camino de Santiago advice for women: at the first sign of bedbugs LEAVE your accommodations and immediately begin the clean up process.
What was a major obstacle on your journey?
Field of dreams
The biggest obstacle was the physical side.
I’ve always been a physically healthy person. I’d participated in sports all my life and I’ve never broken a bone or had any major physical injuries thankfully.
But, unfortunately, I pulled a groin muscle only a few days into the journey, so I had to take buses for a while along the way. It taught me compassion, especially for my grandparents who have a hard time walking and for those who need accessibility.
I learned a lot of patience and how to pace myself. The hardest part was just remembering that just because I’m not necessarily a fast walker doesn’t mean I can’t get to the same place as someone who is faster. It just meant that it took me a little longer. It was an interesting metaphor for my life as a dyslexic, that I just need that extra time and not everything is a competition.
Quick Camino de Santiago advice for women: know your limits and rest if you need to.
Oh my god, yes! like at least 2x a day I thought about it. Especially when my feet were throbbing.
The first day was really the worst and there was a point where I thought about going to Finland with this Finnish couple I met, but once I got into the pace of it, it quickly becomes meditative. There was only one really bad day when I pushed myself too hard after only just recovering from my groin injury. I ended up in a field, lost and in a lot of pain in my leg.
To put it bluntly, I had a mental breakdown for a good 20 minutes before retracing my steps and finding Julia. But that was a moment when I was close to lying on the ground and calling it quits.
What made it bearable is seeing that I wasn’t alone. Later that day, I talked to fellow pilgrims and heard some worse stories about a guy who broke his leg or another had shin splints. There’s this great misery-love-company feel so you know that you’re not alone. My best Camino di Santiago advice is to remember that your pain is the same as the person right in front of you or behind you. You’re all in it together and everyone is there to support you. It’s what kept me going.
Should you have prepared more?
I definitely thought it was going to be easier than it was. I did do some research before hand, like reading a guidebook and watching a ton of youtube videos and movies, but in the end, I got lazy and went from “Couch to Camino.”
But from what everyone was telling me on the Camino, your first time is always the hardest cause everything is new. Next time, (some Camino di Santiago advice to heed) I’m packing a lot lighter and hitting the gym before I go.
Quick Camino de Santiago advice for women: work up to all the walking you’ll be doing.
It really was any and everyone you could think of. There were the more religious pilgrims, the retirees, the Americans, and a lot of Europeans: Swedes, Finns, Germans, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Italians, Brits, Scots, Irish, Norwegians, etc. As well as Koreans, Japanese, and Columbians.
There really isn’t a stereotypical Pilgrim because everyone is doing it at different stages in their life or for different reasons. There were for sure the hikers and those that were more outdoorsy, but a lot of the people I met were ordinary people who just got up one day and decided to go.
What I did love about it was the number of solo female hikers. I met a lot of women and it is one of the few trails where solo female hikers feel the safest. I never felt like I was in an unsafe situation and I was by myself plenty of times.
But what I loved most about meeting fellow pilgrims was how open everyone was. I think because people are so open the experience and the hardship of the Camino, they are more open to talking to random strangers or sleeping in less than ideal places with 30 other people in the room. Everyone acknowledges each other on the Camino by saying “Buen Camino” no matter what language you speak. It has an “adult camp”-like feel.
Everyone is there for different reasons, whether it’s personal, losing weight, or just wanting to travel. You meet some really interesting people and I was able to have my own Camino-family that I met up with at the Albergue at the end of the day. They all watched out for me.
The best part of the Camino is the people you meet and make friends with. Even though we came from different places and backgrounds, we ended up bonding. At the end in Santiago, our Camino-family met up again spontaneously after having walked different paths. It was like seeing friends at a college reunion. I still keep in touch with some of them.
Quick Camino de Santiago advice for women: be open to making friends (no matter how tired you are!)
Was there ever a moment you felt completely at peace?
It’s hard to say.
I felt more at peace at the very end when it was done, but there were some moments that I really cherish, like moments when I was walking along beautiful scenery at sunrise or bonding with fellow pilgrims in an Albergue.
But the moment I remember best was when Julia and I got up at 3AM am to beat the 90+ degree heat and walked through part of the Meseta (flat-grass land area in Spain). We were by ourselves completely in the dark walking through this field, and above us, we could see the milky-way and all the stars so clearly. We were talking about college and making jokes and it was just a lovely moment. I mean, when in someone’s life time can you say you reminisced with a college friend while under the milky way at four in the morning in Spain!?
Can you recommend a packing list for the Camino?
First off, bring less than you think. I have a packing list on my blog (among other bits of Camino De Santiago advice) that I wrote while walking, but here is a brief Camino De Santiago packing list for women:
(Note: You can buy the Seashell that pilgrims wear on their backpacks, along the Camino. A lot of stores sell them)
Most things you can get at the pharmacies in Spain like sunscreen, blister kits, etc.
The things I wish I had bought and highly recommend is a can of bed bug spray, flip flops or something to wear at the end of the day with arch support, and a whole bottle of Aleve (those achy muscles will thank you!)
Quick Camino de Santiago advice for women: follow this list and pack lightly!
It felt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, except maybe when I was a competitive swimmer in middle school (a story for another time).
On the last day, when we entered into Santiago de Compostela, it took another hour just to get to the city center where the cathedral is (“the finish line”).
Once I saw the spires of the cathedral, I felt a surge within me and my body just went into this no-pain-mode. I literally ran to the front of the cathedral and fell to the ground. It felt like all this weight was off my shoulders, some what literally.
There really is nothing like it, to feel this sense of personal accomplishment. When you asked earlier about “a moment I felt completely at peace”, it was really following this moment. The whole next day, we hung out in Santiago and I felt like I had woken up from a yoga class – feeling relaxed and slightly sleepy.
I walked around kind of glossy eyed, but also so proud of myself for finishing something that I thought I physically wouldn’t be able to do. I imagine it’s what Michael Phelps or Simone Biles must have felt like when winning an Olympic gold medal.I don’t have an Olympic Gold Medal, but I do have a nice certificate with the distance I walked, as well as my Pilgrims Passport that has stamps from every place I stayed.
In the end, my takeaway from the experience was that finishing the Camino solidified my belief that all things happen for a reason and that life is a journey we take day-by-day, it isn’t a race, everyone does it in their own time. We may not get stamps along the way, but it’s the accumulated experiences and people that step into our lives that are the most important.
Reagan – a Peregrino (Pilgrim), native New Yorker, and photographer who has a love for travel. She is a recent graduate from Mount Holyoke College and currently is working, like a typical Millennial, at a non-profit that supports Photographers, called Aperture Foundation. She hopes to one day live in Italy and ride a Vespa. Fun fact: she’s almost fluent in Italian, can play piano, guitar, and viola; and favorite bands include Coldplay, Iron & Wine, 1975, Fleetwood Mac, Lord Huron, and Fleet Foxes. You can find her blog here and her Instagram here.
I used Affiliate links in this post. This means that if you purchase any products recommended, I will receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. It helps offset the cost of running She’s a Trip. Thanks!
You’ve been told that it will be the best experience ever, and it is…at first.
But then the homesickness sets in.
Since most students choose to study abroad during their junior year, most assume that the transition will be a breeze. They think that homesickness is something only freshmen experience. But it’s not.
I was one homesick Texan while studying abroad and I was in ROME. So the homesickness was compounded by feeling guilt for even feeling it in the first place when I was in such a cool city. It was awful, but I overcame it, so I know you can, too.
Here’s how to deal with homesickness while studying abroad:
Say No Sometimes
Often, people put so much pressure on themselves to “have the best time ever” when studying abroad that they forget how they usually act. While studying abroad IS this amazing once in a lifetime thing, you’re going to burn yourself out and ruin it if you don’t slow your roll every once and a while.
When you’re at home or on your “home” campus, do you sleep in on Saturdays? Do you say “no” to events because you have a paper due? Don’t feel like you have to go 100 miles an hour at all times. You’re there for at least a semester, maybe even an entire year – you have the time to pace yourself.
So maybe the friends in your study abroad program are going to see the Eiffel Tower sparkle at midnight, visit the Sydney Opera House, or even zip line in the Costa Rican jungle. So what? Those events will still be there next week, next month, next semester. Don’t feel guilty for sitting out on some things to recharge for your next adventure.
I’m not contradicting myself, I promise. People experience homesickness differently. While some need a reminder to recharge so they can continue to build friends at their study abroad program and enjoy themselves, others need that nudge to step outside their comfort zone.
Homesickness is often significantly tied to culture shock, which is a real and serious thing. It can be loosely defined as that confusing and nervous feeling that you get when you leave a familiar culture to live in a new and different one.
Here’s how it usually goes:
The Honeymoon Stage
This is how you feel when studying abroad still seems like a vacation. Everything is new and exciting and you might as well be at summer camp. You might be a little nervous, but you don’t miss your parents or home or dog or whatever because you’re having so much FUN.
My first week in Italy.
The Frustration Stage
This is usually when the worst of the homesickness sets in. You’ve been abroad for a few weeks and everything bothers you – even things you once found magical. You might find yourself even actively resenting the place you thought you were going to love.
“Why don’t they speak English?” “Why don’t the buses seem to follow the schedule?” “Why can’t things just be like they were AT HOME?”
In this stage, you long for the normalcy of home. But don’t worry – it gets better.
The Adjustment Stage
There is no set timeline for going through these stages. Those around you might power through them, while you might linger behind.
That’s okay. It’s not a competition.
BUT to get out of the frustration stage and into this one, you need to actively try to make yourself at home in your new city.
As your surroundings become more familiar, you’ll find that you start feeling a little less homesick. This is because you’ll be able to recognize bits of the local language, start enjoying the food, and understand the transportation.
Finally feeling at home at the John Felice Rome Center 🙂
You can jumpstart this process by doing any of the following things:
Make an effort to learn the language, even if your program doesn’t require that you take it.
Take a trip to the grocery store. If you know people’s stomachs, you know their heart. Pop in your earbuds and get to know the local grub.
Take a preplanned walk around your city. Bring a paper map with you and wander. Which brings me to….
Find a place that’s yours. Maybe it’s a special bench, overlook, of café. Anything that you can call your own will help ease the transitional homesickness.
Talk to a counselor. If you’re still feeling down in the dumps, don’t be embarrassed about going to speak with the counseling office at your study abroad program, or the international students coordinator if you’re at a university. Their job is literally to make your time abroad the best time ever.
My “special place” — Il Pellicano Gelateria
4. The Acceptance Stage
You might make it to this stage, you might not. But after weeks, months, or even years of cycling through the previous stages of culture shock, you will get to the point where you can simply accept your new culture for what it is. It doesn’t mean that you understand it – or even like it – but you can function just fine and feel joy, not resentment.
Practice Self Care
While you’re still navigating homesickness abroad and the stages of culture shock, try these “quick fix remedies.”
Set up a weekly Skype session with the person you miss most. And don’t cancel!
Watch a familiar show. If you binge Pretty Little Liars in America, keep up with it in Australia. The characters can be like old friends and bring sense of normalcy to your new life.
Create a routine. On Tuesdays you have lunch at the café down the road. On Wednesdays you Skype with mom. On Thursdays you do laundry. Stability is a great way to combat homesickness.
Friends in Firenze.
Now go forth and prosper! And you can cry. That’s totally okay.
If you’re studying abroad this semester and need to vote in the American elections, click here.